Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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