An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Are my feet made of real feet?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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