her vagine was all disorganized.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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