There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
