were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
