It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
