the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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