He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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