Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
