I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
