dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
