why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
