i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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