can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
