I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize