We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
