You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
