I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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