This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
