My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
