Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You smell like a Billy Joel song
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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