I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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