I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Someone signed my nipple.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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