I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
