Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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