The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
