listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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