Umm I'm too high to move.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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