I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
