I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
