when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
