We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
