Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
