I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
