bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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