"it" just moved
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
