Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
