If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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