i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
