We named our party play list daddy issues
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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