i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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