my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
