I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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