i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
