If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
