I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
