Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
