So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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