just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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