Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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