she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Life without a bra equals bliss.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
