MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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