my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
why do cheetos always look like penises
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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