I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
