And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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