My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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