So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
