So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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