Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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