So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
