i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
