My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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