Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We left the knife in your bed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
